Department for the Invocation of Eldritch Sentiences
As the world becomes more informed about its place in the universe, an increasingly large number of scholars are beginning to recognise the undeniable relevance of the Kaalsarp.
The Kaalsarp is the infinite devourer that guards the void between the realms.
It is a horrendous multi-dimensional serpentine predator.
Modern aghora cosmology postulates that the extant universe emerged from the devourer's eggs and/or faeces;
and that it is doomed to end with the infinite devourer swallowing it whole.
Irrefutable evidence for this theory comes from the ovoid shape of most images of the cosmic microwave background,
the fact that most celestial bodies tend to be egg-shaped, and the discourse of most sentient snakes in our universe.
Bruhatbhujanga Bhasmasamhita, a reputable ash-smeared hermit who lives somewhere in the Himalayan mountains, first summoned the infinite devourer into our plane of existence in ancient Pompeii in 79 A.D.
Due to the ensuing chaos, the invocation of eldritch beings was generally frowned upon for the next millennium.
However, Ms. Bhasmasamhita continued to chase the idea of a stable invocation relentlessly, leading to catastrophic events in Java-Sumatra, Tunguska, Ganymede, and Valyrian Atlantis.
In 1939, an attempted invocation of the infinite devourer led to the birth of Ugranarasimha Gramasimha Babaji, a brilliant aghori saint who has used horrific methods to bring peace to the world.
Invocation ritual - Howto
Using several unspeakable (but replicable) arcane methods involving a dreaded candelabrum, a soul-drainingly beautiful bell, and a forgotten book belonging to a fell sorcerer, aghori ascetics can penetrate the void between the realms and communicate with its inhabitants.
This standard method is often used in necromancy, for the souls of most dead organisms find themselves in the void.
However, Babaji has discovered a way to lure the eldritch beings like the infinite devourer out of their void, and direct their wrath at specific targets.
At DIES, we ask questions related to the use, abuse, reliability, nature, and development of this method.
We strongly feel that Babaji's method must never be revealed due to academic, humanitarian, and apocalypse-prevention causes, but legal reasons require us to release it publicly.
The aspiring invoker first brews a potion using oil, mustard seeds, dried red chillies, suspicious potatoes, and onions from an onion farm.
The invoker then accidentally burns the potion, and reduces it to ash.
He/she then orders a delicious meal online, and eats it (typically offline).
The ash from the aforementioned potion is then carefully smeared on the invoker's forehead in three horizontal lines.
If all steps have been performed correctly, the invoker's forehead will begin to flash in a blindingly bright black.
At this point, the invoker must humbly chant the prayer:
O demonic serpent who art in the void, Kaalsarp be thy name.
Thy eggs come; thy will be done, on earth as it is in thy void.
Give us this day our daily dread, and forgive us our trespasses,
although we usually behead those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into thy yawning gape, but deliver us from thy rear most glorious.
Amen.
Invocation Dos-and-Don'ts
Dos
- Always shower and brush with clean water before performing this ritual to avoid being maimed.
- Ensure that you wear invocation-appropriate clothing.
- Always carry a green plastic bottle with a black cap during invocation. If the devourer unexpectedly attacks, hit yourself on the head with the bottle repeatedly. This way, your demise will be surreal.
- Always be cordial and professional with the Kaalsarp. In particular, do not comment on its appearance during your meeting.
Don'ts
- Never perform the invocation under the influence of intoxicating substances.
- Never perform the invocation in the presence of light, heat, frogs, mice, Baba Mastaanji, or other manners of prey.
- Never discuss politics and religion with the devourer. This act might grievously offend it.
- Under no circumstance whatsoever should the invocation ritual be performed by a dead, unqualified, or fraudulent individual.
Team
Prof. Dr. Ugranarasimha Gramasimha Babaji · Director
Shri (×7) Ugranarasimha Gramasimha Babaji is an erudite, reputed, distinguished, feared, and dreaded aghori saint who has contributed several skull-shattering decapitations across the globe.
UG Babaji and his disciples are the last of a long line of mighty sorcerers hailing from the murky marshes of a forgotten river.
They are the rightful knowledge-bearers of the ancient art of releasing the powers of their own skulls in targeted ways to achieve the spontaneous and irreversible ejection of the skulls of others.
Babaji is a mystic of the Aghoritantra Gurukula taantric order and is currently the director of the MPI-SoD at Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein.
He has plowed deep into the field of necromancy in a graveyard in southern Bavaria, and reanimated the malevolent, tormented, all-hating soul of an eighth century tyrannical peasant and bound him in his bones.
This now serves as the conflict management officer at our institute.
Babaji was educated at the MIT and the Aghoritantra Gurukula.
CV |
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Lord Dr. Ramsay SnowBolton of the Dreadfort · Postdoc
Lord Bolton is the benevolent, generous, and kind Warden of The North of Westeros, a continent that has now been reduced to a fictional place as the result of a curse.
An empathetic tyrant lord, he routinely provides much-needed skin surgery and psychological support to castrated malodorous pirates whom he enslaves employs.
Originally a pathetic bastard, Lord Bolton's story is extremely inspiring, and should serve as a light of hope to all.
Bolton's father, the honourable Lord Roose Bolton, was an equally heroic figure who played a key role in suppressing the rebellion of the treacherous King Robb Stark.
Lord Roose was then stabbed to death by Lord Ramsay. tragically poisoned by his enemies.
UG Babaji, impressed with this bastard's credentials, decided to retrieve the then-fictional Lord Bolton from Westeros.
Lord Ramsay was thoroughly fascinated by Babaji, and began his doctorate with him on The psychological effects of castration.
After his graduation, he now works as a postdoctoral researcher focussing on the Advantages of skin removal.
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Mr. Hooha Heeha and Mr. Hoofa Geeja · Doctoral Candidates
Fossil evidence suggests that the world's first decapitation was conducted 3 million years ago, in a remote trench that is now underwater off the coast of Atlantis.
Mr. Hooha Heeha and Mr. Hoofa Geeja were cave-dwelling cannibals who were elected to positions of political power around this time.
In a brutal blood-curdling betrayal, Mr. Geeja performed the world's first decapitation by kicking Mr. Heeha to death.
Both these barbarians were then fossilised by the course of time.
Millions of years later, UG Babaji resurrected these fossils for study and entertainment purposes.
These gentlemen now practice philosophy and ethics at our institute.
There is increasingly solid evidence of a mysterious third figure involved in the assassination of Mr. Hooha Heeha.
One of the department's main goals is to find this person, wherever he/she might be, and involve them in the institute's ethics curriculum.
These interesting specimen are all crucial intellectual and creative assets to our institute.
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